Father’s Knowledge

I have been pondering my path lately and how I ended up here, at this moment in time. What’s around me, who’s around me, where do I connect, how do I connect, is this where I am supposed to be, have I done things right, did I do everything that I could? Like waking in the middle of a dream and then a “FLASH!” reality sets in. Don’t get me wrong, I belong right where I am at, with the people in my life and doing exactly what I’m doing. My dilemma is, “do my kids?” I fear I have failed them although, many others, voice otherwise.

I have spent the better part of my, almost, fifty years as a parent. I was headed for a fall when the first one saved me, and his mother. This was when I started becoming a man. We found out he was coming, got married and joined the Marine Corps. I found out quickly that it’s a lot of fun to have kids but you damn well better have some patients. Then along came my oldest daughter, two years from her brother. I never knew that you could feel so much love for a person, but when I looked at my son and daughter, I know no stronger love. This, unfortunately, is not always right out front. The fear involved with not being sure if your doing things right? Then, turn to my spouse, and her expression is the same as mine, it can be overwhelming!

Nobody’s perfect and I understand that, but what I am regretting now is the lifestyle that I raised my children around and the effect that this may have had on them, especially my boys. By the time my oldest son and daughter reached seven and five, my marriage was over. Living in Washington State after the military, she decided to head home to California, where we are both from. I cried myself to sleep for months, real manly huh? I felt that I had failed my children and family and commenced to mentally beating the crap outta myself for quite a while. I had no family in Washington but good friends and my music, which in the end, was not nearly enough. I spent the next five years working and playing music and flying to San Diego as much as I could, not nearly enough for me.

During this time we had both remarried and remained friends (still are close). I often flew down and would stay at my ex’s house with the kids and let her and her husband go out. This, obviously, was great for the kids. No drama, paid my support (because it’s my responsibility) and spent as much time as I could with my kids. In 2002, my youngest son was born, his mom was beautiful, but one of the ugliest people I’ve known. By 2005, I had to leave her and went back to San Diego. Within a month, she had lost her apartment, friends where calling saying she dropped him off and hasn’t come back and it happens frequently. Damn!!! one month and the bitch goes crazy! Not that she wasn’t in the first place. Anyway, at three my son comes back home with me, it’s fourteen years later now and he’s about to graduate this year.

So there’s the scenario: “Wow! What a great dad!”, “Way to man-up!”, “Your amazing!”, just some examples of what I have heard directed at me. To me, I want to grab them by the arms, shake them and yell “are you out of your f*****g mind!!!!”. They survived!, that’s it! The reason I speak of myself this way will be revealed shortly but for now, let’s just say I talk down on myself often. Usually shrugging off the compliment with ” I’m not doing anything more than every mother over the span of time, what’s the big deal?” I also agree with this statement and at times I have told people, “I’m just doing what any man would do in this position, taking care of their kid!”. Usually what follows is a humorous or sarcastic laugh, followed by “No, most wouldn’t!”.

So, there I am, 35 years old, paying for and visiting my oldest son and daughter as often as possible, while raising my youngest son solo. Up to this point, I really only worried about myself, making enough money to support my kids and working three jobs at one point and enjoyed the popularity in my hometown of being a bartender at multiple locations. Well, I had a four year old to manage now, so I had to adjust my lifestyle. Herein lyes the dilemma.

Now, I started drinking and smoking at 13, and focused a great deal on leading my kids away from smoking, but alcohol was always present, at home, holidays, BBQ’s, etc… Because my life had become quite different and I had greater concerns now, I went into property management, which allowed me to walk my son to school everyday and eliminated daycare costs. It also allowed for longer and more frequent visits from my older two kids. The dilemma is: I drank at least a six pack every day. I have never physically abused my children, but I am seeing more and more that verbally, I did. It’s unsettling to me.

Luckily, I still managed to be responsible and have great years with my three children, and it was just “dad” to them. In 2010 I got a management job at a property over-looking the Pacific, my dream job. My other kids, being 16 and 14, loved the new spot and were down even more frequently. Alcohol was still very present and the area was a very “open” beach area, meaning people smoked pot openly. Knowing my kids were not ignorant of these things I trusted there judgement and was never disappointed. This went on until 2013, when I met the love of my life.

So my two older kids graduate, two years apart. My oldest son decided to go in the Army after high school, making us all very proud. About a month before he was to come home in July 2016, which he was very excited to live with his brother and I full time, he was killed. I was approached by a Captain and Chaplin of the US Army and told that my 21 year old son would NOT be coming home standing, but in a box. I have no words for the feeling, I don’t think it sunk in totally until I turned around and saw my son and daughter, with dumbfounded faces, and realized that I have to tell them their brother, best friend and idol is DEAD!

The process of receiving my son and putting him to rest is something I would wish on no one. “I’m so sorry for your loss”. I heard that so many times, yet don’t know what to do with it or how to respond, most times it’s just, “we all are”. What else can I say? I wanted to fuckin scream! This is the hand my family was dealt and it took every inch of strength to survive it, still torments me daily. This incident was the beginning of the epiphany.

From July until July the next year I pretty much spent drunk. 35+ years now, especially since 2005, I have drank daily and not just a couple. After my sons death, If I wasn’t at work, I was drunk. Couldn’t even drive after 12 pm, usually, if I was off work. Drinking and crying, that was my everyday. During this time, my youngest daughter was born. My oldest was the first one I told that his sister was on the way. His response: “jesus dad, tie that thing in a knot!”. That’s my boy…..Then he left for his duty station and it was the last time we would ever hug him.

July 3, 2017. Almost exactly a year from my sons death. Clarity, through scaring the shit out of my family, finally came! I finally realized the impact of my sons death. A revelation and another time where my oldest saved my life, even through death. I quit drinking that day and haven’t given it a thought since. Many things have changed since that day, both good and bad. With the clarity came reflection, and I saw my reflection as ugly, still do sometimes. I feel like I cheated my other kids, even though I was always there, I wasn’t always present. My oldest boy, standing up for his siblings, yelled back at me when I really had no reason to yell, and he never hesitated. I am so proud to be able to say that.

So I’m over two years sober, my 2 year old daughter has never met the father that my other three knew, and honestly, they are still trying to get used to it. I have spoken with them and apologized for so much, but I still feel the weight of it. I am grateful to have another chance to enjoy being a parent and have been gifted with beautiful healthy children. I just feel that there is still a space between my older kids and myself. As much as I try to make up ground, I feel I never will.

I was always around my kids and supported them in all their adventures. I could never be prouder of my children for becoming the people they are despite the scenarios I brought them up in. The amazing young people they have become has little credit owed to me and more the love around them. I feel I have short changed them and have spent the last two years, and will spend the rest of my life, making sure they know how much I regret not giving them a solid base to start from. I will tell Bud when I get to him……………

DAP Written with Love 9/26/19

STILL WATER

¬†Still waters far behind, only torrents ahead, arms flailing wildly, heart filled with dread, breathe in the salt, don’t drink deep, still waters ahead, what lurks beneath¬†

Tech Age

Reality it seems is just an image of sorts

Your image depends on your appearance in those shorts

Your social life is absorbing yet far from reach

Your knowledge from YouTube and what they teach

That’s not interaction of a personal sort

That’s connecting to others via a port

Try looking up while standing in line

You’ll be the only one most of the time

To the barista we extend our phone

If we spoke out loud I might offend with a tone

We’ve started to integrate tech into man

instituting change with no formal plan

It consumes our daily and emotions as well

All can be solved just text “go to hell”

Misunderstandings abound and tweets cause havok

New tech every year and we’ve got to have it

1% make billions while the rest of us starve

Why did I quit drinking let’s go back to the bar

This evolution of tech has brought the “give me now”

If allowed we’d sit and grow fat as a sow

An age of indulgence riding on a credit score

There’s never a time to say “no more”

I’m grateful to know life before tech

The way shits heading Terminators on deck

DAP 9/9/19 Written with love

P.S. Go out, have a conversation, talk to a stranger, create a smile, share a hug (careful with whom), enjoy the day because if your reading this your alive, LIVE.

GREED IS REPUGNANT

Gold. How has this come to pass?

Somewhere long ago, someone traded something he had for something someone else had. Bartering was born and worked just fine. Then, someone found something shiny and new and someone else liked it. It became the source of desire to all. Something shiny and pretty and men searched for ages and still do. Now, I understand some sort of payment system needed to be devised, but this material object that is so divine, is now the passion of most of the planet! It’s worthless, when it all comes down to it! It won’t hydrate or feed you, therefore, worthless. One reason I want my children to be self sufficient. I am not the biggest influence yet, but my wife is and college is helping me to understand the culture I come from and the pure absurdity of what we make important.

I have grown up in the lower middle-class, 30 years ago, which now makes me poverty level. I have never taken money over Morales as an adult and have worked hard for what little I have. Now disabled and unable to qualify for anything from the State, that I have paid into for the last 30 years, it is more evident than ever that none of us, as citizens, really matter to the one’s who are supposed to look after us. We line there pockets for talking a good line and they take us hook, line and sinker. They pay physicians to kill us and penalize them when they don’t. They charge citizens enormous amounts to stay healthy, all the while making them sick. Let alone, it should be a perk of being an American: A home, An Education and a doctor. That should be the base for every American to start with. Success is not guaranteed, but at least the playing field is level.

The point of all this: Greed has taken over and all else matters not. Your, or my, small little world makes no impact on the upper world un less you manage to wiggle in, which ain’t easy, unless your a superstar or reality tv personality, apparently. Sad, the things we find so important on a daily basis have no value. Something’s coming, something big and I would just suggest people get their things in order. Can you feel it in the air? I can, and it’s not okay. Keep close the real things that matter and make those moments that we live for, otherwise, what a waste.

DAP 9/8/19 Written with Love

http://www.paddytheblogger.com

Pushed to the edge

I can’t believe my luck

Oh wait! That’s not mine.

All that karma, wasted time

That’s how my mind keeps me on my toes

It’s wasted time, everyone knows

Appreciate the breathe that we get to recieve

The Amazon is burning, we are running out of trees

Greed has overwhelmed the strongest of wills

Leaving destruction and pain and empty lungs to fill

Take your breathe full and deep as you can

Soon we will take breathe from another man

There is no room to support this kind of greed

Taking from all others to grow your seed

Your crop or cavern that does no good

The breath will leave and no man stood

DAP 8/27/19

Www.Paddytheblogger.com

Jamoraquai

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Jamoraquai

Hello World! :)

Health and Fitness

Health and Fitness Goals - Weight Loss , Diets and Nutrition

Flavor Smasher

The ultimate place for smashing flavors

Journey2Motivate

Inspirational Quotes To Motivate Your Life

AllAbout

Keto , Paleo and Healthy Eating

Cooking Without Limits

Food Photography & Recipes

Binging on a Budget

"Help Me, I'm Poor."

GLITCHY PREACHER

Feel free to use any of my images (both photos and paintings) on your blogs and social networks

irevuo

art. popular since 10,000 BC

(CALIATH)

The poetry of ineptitude.

Florida Girl Writes

About Psychology & Philosophy

UNDRESSED THOUGHTS

COLLECTED THOUGHTS UNFOLDED

Mental health from the other side

Diary excerpts from 15 years of working on Mental Health Wards after own Psychotic Depression