Seven years ago my life took an unexpected turn. I had never believed that I would be worthy of such a gift. A gift, not only to me, but everyone who’s life she touches. Before this beautiful woman I knew nothing of comfort, belonging or connection, I thought that I did, I learned different. We met at Pirate coffee in OB and since that blind date there is very little time we spend apart. She is my best friend, my beautiful lover, the mother to our incredible daughter, the shoulder that’s always ready to be leaned on, the one who is always concerned with others feelings, the woman who isn’t afraid to probe her own feelings, the lady that questions her own intentions when doing something charitable, the honest person who doesn’t let me just slide by or not be healthier, the one who has held me up high every time I thought I was about to crumble down, the one who opened her soul to me with nothing left unsaid, the one who makes me truly believe that every moment is a gift and the one who knows more about my screwed up life than anyone, and chooses not to judge, the person who gives without expecting return, the woman I call My Love and couldn’t possibly live without. I love you my beautiful, you are my soul and this connection I could find no where else. I love you Happy Anniversary My Love
Dipping, diving and rising to tremendous height
Head starts spinning stomach is tight
I can’t hear a thing beyond the grinding of my teeth
But I feel clamp to rail from underneath
A cork-screw A loop
And coming up soon is a thing we call truth
I fly along the rails and reach for a higher place
What brings me back down is the three others face
So I grab my belt tight and scream to the sky
And it releases a pressure but with no reply
I can’t hope anymore that this ride won’t make me sick
I can assure I’ll hold on for what makes me tick
As this roller-coaster ride has taught me so well
You ride it, fall off or just say “what the hell”
As I look around the world in view
I see trouble and turmoil and nothing new
A trouble we gave to ourselves as a gift
Now trouble seems a burdon to lift
Our hands so full theres room for nothing else
The things that should mean most are dusty, on a shelf
No one seems to look beyond their own fence
If we all looked further it might start to make sense
Our world around us is crumbling down
The most response you might get is a partial frown
But we have chose this path and left everything to chance
All we have done is left our children in a vulnerable stance
I wish we could correct what we have done wrong
But Earth is already headed for a last violent song
In the context of my life, my 49 years, I have been many different versions of myself and I have learned many lessons. Most times, these things were learned the hard way; because I am stubborn as hell and for years thought I knew it all already. I have learned that I DO NOT! The things that I do know, from trial and error, can help I think, and I will offer them to you now:
- When you wake up,be happy that you woke up: Each day is a gift
- Hug and kiss each of your loved ones and say you love them, before they walk out the door each morning: We never know who’s coming back, for sure.
- Create a small, reachable task as a goal to complete, no matter what else happens: Accomplishing small daily goals helps build confidence in yourself: It gives me the confidence to believe I have the ability to achieve more by adding more and more small tasks as my confidence has grown.
- Open a door for a stranger: look them in the eye, smile, say hi, good morning, hello. You may have just changed their whole day for the better. Then again, you may have just made it worse, take a chance, I think it’s worth it.
- Shrug off negative reactions without words or confrontation: Be polite because it makes YOU feel good, not for recognition or reward. Giving without expectation has been one of the best therapies I utilize and the rewards never cease to amaze me. (nothing to do with $)
- If you are capable of charity I would normally say share it, and I do when I can, but for me, where we leave, by a beautiful beach community, the homeless have over run it and if you give a little, they might even go to your home to take a lot. I give left-overs when we eat out most times, donate clothes but never give money or shelter. I wish people were trusting enough to do that but it’s not worth risking my children when THEY are why I am enjoying this life full of labor and drama.
- Don’t think you know how someone is by the color of their skin or their dress: I have always been and encouraged my kids to be as original a person as possible. Think for yourself, don’t just follow along if you know what’s happening isn’t right, maybe even take action to correct it if your brave enough, but not participating is the first step. Giving the person the chance to have a conversation might change your whole perception of specific “groups” of people. Then again,if your calling people “groups”, you probably don’t realize we are all one species already, hope is dim.
- Don’t judge: Don’t judge other people for their decisions, they are THEIR decisions, and ultimately they will be the ones dealing with the consequence. If they mean something to you, support them, listen to them and then you have a better understanding of what they are dealing with, whatever it may be family is family to me, and there is no greater bond to me or no greater importance. Judging people without knowing of their actions first is just ignorant and narrow-minded, in my opinion. Everyone gets a chance, the way it should be.
- Relieve any grudges: I refuse to spend my life caught up in “coulda”,”woulda”,”shoulda”. For me, there is nothing of monetary value, that would have me wasting precious time on negative thoughts, especially about someone else, I already do it to myself. Second, Everything that I chose to do, whether good or bad, has landed me exactly where I am today and I wouldn’t change any of it. It makes me see the world from the view of someone who, although being through some really brutal experiences,came out on the other side a humble lover of life and a caring, giving parent and person. Going through some of the “hell on earth” I have seen has played a great deal on my ambition to make a difference and lead my children in another direction. One of my strongest points to them is that life is too short to hate and to spend time with it is a waste of valuable time. If we all loved as strongly as we hate, imagine the difference.
- Be honest and faithful: Honestly, I struggled with these most of my life. The pain that I caused, I never realized, would come to hurt me. The trust I threw in the face of those that loved me most. The terror I caused my parents by being a 15 year old runaway, who is now the father of 4 and terrified of the same. The lies I have told to save a person that I often find, “not worthy”, me. The pain in the eyes of my children as I walked out the door, knowing my visits would be brief and far between. These realizations are a gift to me, in my opinion. The clarity they have produced on the person I wanted to be, drove me to today and the kind-hearted, open-minded, free thinking, fun loving, music playing, lover of family, life, our planet and everything in it, person that I have become.
- If you take anything from this, I would like it to be this: Do one good deed today, no matter how small and I will do the same. Maybe we can start making a positive difference in someones life.
DAP 5/18/19 Written with Love
My heart breaks at the sad state that we have left our planet in. After a decent amount of time researching, I have started to wonder if there is any point in trying to reverse the damage that we have done? WE have been the virus to our Planet, which has been here billions of years, and will be here billions of years after humankind. I’m sure it has a defensive mechanism that will kick in, which seems to already be happening, like barfing up a stomach flu. It WILL cleanse itself, to our demise and our future generations will suffer until we are no more. Makes me kind of sad that I brought my children into this setting, but they are the only thing that makes the time here worth living, not watching, living!
I see lines across our Planet and we stay within our own
Isn’t this Planet supposed to be all our home
One day, long ago, someone planted a flag
Unfortunately, for us, they didn’t go stag
Then the rest of humanity followed suit
If someone else was there, they just gave them the boot
Now it’s all out of hand and damaged beyond repair
The Lines are drawn with no room to spare
Is there a country left with only the one’s who came first
I beg to differ, all cover this Earth
Go to any Country, take a look around
It’s not all white, tan or brown
It’s a Rainbow of color with different tones
All wanting the same thing, a place to call home
But someone drew Lines and said that’s not for you
Only my people are allowed to pass through
If the Planet wanted Lines it would have placed them itself
It would probably have been wise considering her health
All the same animal with all this room to grow
But if you cross that Line, someones sure to say no
DAP 5/9/19 Written with Love
I have always been a person that appreciates history and studied human history, as a hobby, for many years. I enjoy learning about different cultures and have always dreamed of seeing the places I was learning about. I have never had money, just kids, and have learned to just appreciate the time we are given and not worry about discovering the world. Plus, my kids kept me pretty busy.
After two failed marriages and three kids, I met the woman that destiny had planned for me. If I had met her at any other time, it would have been wrong, so it was worth the wait. So many different elements had to happen for us to cross paths, but it happened. This amazing woman happens to be Israeli and I thought, from my hobby, that I knew something about that region. I was so wrong.
During the next four years, my youngest son and I, acclimated to having a woman in the house and felt more like a family unit. My other kids also took to her well and she was fully accepted by my family, as anyone with a good heart is. Her family had visited on different occasions but I had only Skyped with her father. So they decided to add two tickets when they bought my girlfreinds tickets for a visit. We were going in August.
It was then, July 2016, that my oldest son died in a car wreck. He was a soldier, so there was a lot of travel around the country, for a bit. Then we received his body at home and where able to lay him to rest at Riverside National Cemetery. I was glad it was over but it had really just begun. After all this, I felt that we needed to get away for a bit.
As we discussed the trip and planned our visits we were all anticipating a great trip, let alone we had found out that we had a little girl on the way. It was also their first grandchild from three kids, so they were very excited. We had plans to stay were they lived in Haifa and would visit Jerusalem for two days. This was something I had dreamed about for years. To walk on stones with such history.
I am not a religious person, and my girlfriend is more of a Buddhist than Israeli, but I had some family that wanted me to add notes to the wall, so my son and I decided to add notes written to his brother, my son. All was set and we looked forward to having a great adventure on the other side of the world.
The fifteen hour flight was something I had never experienced, lots of movement, praying and such and smells I wasn’t familiar with. It was starting to feel like an adventure and I was happy to just be living the moment. Now, I have heard my share of stories about Jews but I had no experience to judge any of it, so I just decided to roll with it. My girlfriend has a Israeli passport so she went to a different line. So my son and I are standing in a crammed area, being bumped by everyone, without one “excuse me”. By now, the flights getting to me and I’m watching as a group of religious guys, I call the men in black, slowly talk their way in front of everybody else in line.
Now, I don’t know protocol, but nobody said a damn thing, and after being knocked around with a total absence of manners, I lost it. I picked one man in black, closest to me in the group and said loudly, “Hey, do you see us all waiting here in line or what?”. Nothing, ignored, blank face. I think that people may have thought I just got cursed, “well he’s going to hell”. So, I just sucked it up and was hoping it wasn’t just the beginning of a nightmare, thankfully it wasn’t.
The Mediterranean was amazing, Haifa was beautiful, the food and her family were incredible and all was well. We were excited to journey to Jerusalem and were planning to visit the Dead Sea, which we did, and it was as hot as sitting in a sauna, with a wind chill of 130 degrees. After that we made our way to our hotel in Jerusalem, and the day was starting off great. We headed to Mahane Yehuda market and got greeted with live music along the walk to the old city. We were enjoying the day and the weather was great.
The market was incredible and I felt like I was in one of the places I had seen on documentaries so many times. Which I was and even though I am not religious, the feeling of spirituality, I couldn’t shake. This physical contact to history and all that came with it. I was in awe. As I would learn later, it was delightfully deceiving. Filled with tourists, Arabs, Israelis and all different ethnicity, I felt very comfortable and at ease. We continued to walk the old city markets, but I noticed arguments among her two siblings and parents, regarding alleys that they didn’t trust. My wheels started spinning and my head started swiveling more than it was, I was a Marine and my youngest son was standing next to me.
One of the places I wanted to visit was Olive Hill, over-looking Temple Mount (pictured above), what I didn’t know, was that an Arab village sits next to it. Being American, I figured a religious spot here would be one of the safest places on Earth, Wrong again! My girlfriend, sister and mom headed to the hotel and my son, her dad, brother and I headed out. The first warning came when we parked, in the village for some reason, as my obviously American, teenage son stepped out of the car. There was an alley with about three teenagers that gave the “throat-cut sign” to my son as soon as he stepped out of the truck. And I do know, they probably mean it there. I tell her father, the boys had disappeared, and we drive to the parking lot where I took the picture.
I took a few pics and was ready to go. I asked my son if he wanted to ride the scroungy camel that the Bedouin was pushin, he denied. Now, I had some idea that my girlfriends dad is an extreme sport guy, he is, but the extremity I am about to tell you about was as risky as you can be with your life. So, wanting me to see what Israelis have to deal with everyday was his goal, unannounced to me. Keep in mind, I had just buried my son, and the last thing I wanted to do was risk the life of the only son I have left.
So we leave the parking lot to go back to the hotel and I let my son ride up front so he can check things out. As I look around, I notice that there are no soldiers, it’s quite dirtier than where we were before and the looks are a bit scary. Now, an argument in Hebrew starts, traffic is barely moving and the only thing I can think is if someone wanted to make a name for themselves, they have two Jews and two Americans, wrapped in a tin can that’s stuck in traffic. Instinct kicks in and I tell my son to tone it down, remove the shades, avoid eye contact and stay calm. Meanwhile, my girlfriends brother is blowing up at his father, agreeing that we shouldn’t be here. This is probably nothing compared to what he got from my girlfriend and mother, so I think he payed enough.
I have to tell you, I have never felt hate that strong. It is so present, that I think it would be impossible to live like that at least for me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not everywhere, and some cities feel safe, but are they really? I even had a scary moment later while eating with her dad in a small village but nothing traumatic, so I let it go. This was all in 2016, so the current situation gives some indication that it is continuing. To be honest, in my opinion, this is a disagreement that will never be resolved. I’m not even sure it’s religious anymore, more about possession. I feel for my girlfriends family and everyone, not only Israelis, that have to deal with that kind of prejudice and hate everyday.
From my interactions with Israelis here in the states, they seem to want to work it out, but they are here. Kind of tells me they don’t want to live with it either. I don’t know all the details and I don’t get religious or political about something I know nothing about really. I do know this, you can’t put two Animals of the same species, different versions in the same arena and have them NOT fight. Example, tiger-lion, cheetah-lion, leopard-mountain lion….etc. Notice predators?
I wish it wasn’t like this but the lines were drawn long ago and I don’t believe any amount of negotiation or agreement will ever work. If it looks like it might be close, someone will sabotage it, one side or the other. It’s really too bad, it is beautiful country from what I have seen, and it deserves better than this, considering it’s history. So much good was intended for Jerusalem, how did it get taken over by selfishness and hate? I’m sorry I even had to say that, I like it there but couldn’t stay too long in the cities with any sort of feeling of comfort. It’s too bad it has to be like that.
I have been back since then, got to visit New York and London, that was nice. That first trip to Israel will always stick with me. There is such a feeling of hate, even surrounded by armed soldiers, I felt even more of a target. I hope things can change. The love of my life and my daughter visit regularly and their family reside there and every time I hear about something happening, they immediately come into my head. As of late, it’s not looking good. I hope things change for the better for all people involved in this volatile, explosive disagreement.
Is it really that hard to see we are the same
The Human condition begins in the brain
Conditioned to look from one point of view
How can anything learned really be true
Our colored skin seems to determine fact
Whether it be white, brown, other or black
Bias and prejudice take hold in a view
Never taking the time to confirm if its true
Embrace the difference, it’s what makes us unique
Why do we have to belong to one certain clique
Hug your neighbor, open a door
This invites change; positive we need more
DAP 5/6/19 Written with love
Can you hear it in the air?
It’s those simple words “I don’t care”
Don’t care about the tree’s, that doesn’t affect me
Don’t care about the ocean, it’s full of debris
Don’t care about others or what they say
I don’t care to help, I’m on a limited stay
I don’t care cause you don’t care
To mother nature this doesn’t seem fair
Look at the damage and hear this Earth moan
Open your eyes, this is the end of OUR loan
Polars are melting and our seas run black
Looking ahead, it’s a long way back
but I don’t care cause you don’t care
To Mother, this doesn’t seem fair
DAP 5/4/19 Written with Love
I seem to be at a crossroads here, no one gets close, hard to be near.
Sitting and staring at a perfect view, and the only thing wrong, is I should be staring at you.
Hard to make sense of what this worlds dished out, but for me on a personal level, the world is missing out.
I want to find a corner to scream out loud, but I hold it in and try and pretend it didn’t happen or I don’t feel it or this is some fucking sick joke!!!!!
Cant seem to get ahold of my body or mind, but theres 3 more I must consider, and they are all your kind.
You would have been a brother, again and once more. But your siblings have never worried. You have always blocked the door.
More honest ive never known, I hope I played a part.
But honest you were, and full of so much heart.
I was more proud of you, than ive ever been of myself
And a father couldn’t be prouder to help make a man better than himself.
You were honest and strong and really a smartass, but I love you and miss you and I wish you peace.
Honest strong and a smartass, yea! Your related! PLEASE!
The point of all this, is for some relief,
I cant hardly breathe and ive lost my belief
Is there some solution I haven’t yet seen
Or does this shit just go on, like a bad fuckin dream?
Whatever the case and however it comes out
Theres some sort of answer, I have no doubt
I just cant see through this veil of tears
And im pretty sure this will last for years
My son saved my life and gave me a path
I thought for sure he would make it last.
I cant stop crying or feeling the pain
Honestly, just trying to stay sane.
Love to all. Appreciate what you have, daily